Way too long

I can't believe its been almost a year since I've written. So much time has gone by...Cade is now 15 months and has survived the first birthday. I have been asking myself why don't I write anymore and the guilt succumbs me.  We are living and we are living to what most people would view as very happily. The store is doing well, my job is good, and Cade is such a good happy, strong little boy. Is that bad? Should we not be so "content"? I mean our daughter died. She died way to young. She was ripped from our home and our arms. But ya know what...at the end of the day, she wasn't ripped from our memory. And that sweet little angel has done more in three and a half years than most people can claim in a life time.  I remember someone told me once there would be a day that would go by that I didn't think of her. I remember thinking they were crazy, how could my daughter, my own flesh that we lost from this world, not cross my mind. And while I'm not sure there have been days where I haven't thought of her there are days where my thoughts aren't pure sadness...and I feel guilty. I will always miss her and I will always wonder what she'd be today. But I will also always try to honor her. For she is powerful. This little angel of ours brings out the good in people and the good in me. Our sweet munchkin, Taylor Paige. We love you more thank an ever express.

Going on 4 days of no sleep

I guess it is only fitting that next Sunday Cade will be 5 months and three days. Crazy that it falls on a Sunday. He just started rolling over and absolutely will only sleep on his stomach. Since he started I just can't sleep...I'm so beyond terrified. I try to do everything they say to prevent SIDS. Nothing in the crib...no bumpers, blankets or stuffed animals. The room is always the perfect temperature and sleep to back. That is until 3 days ago. He just won't sleep on his back. I know he won't suffocate but I keep thinking crazy thoughts. What if he breathes in his own air, and dies of carbon monoxide...what if being on his tummy triggers his little brain to malfunction... I just can't take it. If something goes wrong and everything isn't perfect the way it is supposed to be I don't think I can make it through and forgive myself again. I mean that damn lovie!!! If it hadn't been in the crib with Taylor would my sweet munchkin still be here today???? I'm so tired and so terrified. It is taking me over and I don't know what to do other than stare at him...watching and praying my angel protects her little brother.

My Touchstone

Today we celebrated the life of sweet Ava Ann Holder an amazing little girl who spent most of her sweet life battling cancer. The pastor spoke of touchstones and holding on to memories that will always take us back and help us to honor the ones we have lost. I sat and of course thought of my touchstone not only for Ava but for our sweet munchkin, Taylor. For Ava I was only fortunate to meet her once at PCH. She was on her way in pushing her little stroller full of stuffed animals. This was almost a year ago which means she would have been fighting the fight for almost three years. And yet, she didn't look scared or sad about coming into the hospital. She looked proud of her little animal friends. A symbol of strength. That is what Ava will always stand for to me. I tried so hard to put my sad memories of the days after Taylor passed but it was impossible to block them out. My memories fade a little every day and it terrifies me. I can't ever lose those or I will lose a part of myself. Cade looks so much like her that the memories blend. His smile, his eyes, they could be twins. I have thought a lot the past week about what I will I say to Cade when he is old enough to ask me why babies die. I don't think I will ever be able to understand a world where babies healthy or sick are ripped from their Parents arms. There is no better place for them. We would die for them to have another day, another laugh or another hug. I don't think I will ever understand.

Bittersweet Days

The past few weeks have been a reminder that the hole will never go away. Cade brings such joy. A joy that allowed me to enjoy my birthday and Mothers day for the first time in years. And yet, you are missing, you will always be missing and these days, these moments will never be complete without you. there are times I can feel you. Times that I see you in his eyes. Times where I cry holding your baby brother wishing you were here too. He is three months and I swear he can look in my tear filled eyes and it is as if he is sad with me. That he knows mommy misses you and he want to make it better. It is crazy how much you look alike. You could be twins. Beautiful and happy babies. An angel in my arms and an angel in my heart. Forever and always missing you, sweet munchkin. My sweet Taylor Paige.

2 years - 24 months - 730 days

I wake up with a crack in my broken heart. That by just being April 18th, the tears are there and my heart aches for my baby girl.

Taylor, I wish you were here. I wish you were running around like 2 and a half year olds do. I wish you were loving up on your baby brother or whining for attention like big sisters do. I wish you could hug me and say "mommy you look pretty" like I thought you would do some day. I wish you would run to the door when daddy gets home and jump into his arms like daddy's girls do.

I long to brush your hair, to give you kisses and to hold you tight. My arms miss you so much. There will always be a hole in my heart for you.

Please watch over Cade, your baby brother and give us strength to enjoy every second with him without fear and sadness.

I love you...forever my sweet munchkin, Taylor Paige

Your Little Brother

I can't quite describe the emotions of the past month...mainly joy and happiness, but there is still the sadness and the fear. There is such joy in having a baby in the house again, a "purpose" beyond anything we have had since Taylor. Hearing the little baby noises and the cries is so amazing. The fact that I can love this little guy so much the instant he was put in my arms for the first time. He is absolutely perfect. The hard part is that is exactly what is terrifying. Taylor was perfect. She was such a good baby. Happy and healthy from head to toe. We just keep telling ourselves lightning can't strike twice. Repeating over an over to him all the things he's going to do from riding a bike to graduating college and having babies of his own. He's going to out live us. He has to outlive us. We talk to Taylor, his angel, the big sister he will never get to meet and we ask her to watch over Cade and protect him. Sweet munchkin, please protect your baby brother and protect mommy and daddy's hearts. Missing you and loving you always.

Four More Down and a New Year Ahead

Well we made it through another holiday season and the dreaded four...Halloween, Taylor's Bday, Thanksgiving and Christmas.  This year was no doubt easier than last year and I know that next year will be even easier.  We took some family time and we took some time for ourselves.  We actually bought gifts this year and even gave them to each other.  Next year, we keep saying we'll do the tree, and the lights, and all the decorations again, because we'll have Cade.  But there is that terror, that voice in the back of my head, every time we say it that says "if he makes it that long".  I try to fight it and push that awful voice aside.  It's a terrible way to think and an even worse way to live.  I hope my head is stronger when he actually comes.  And, I hope we can push aside the fear of lose to enjoy each and every moment.  The soft angelic voice that comes, one that I'm sure would be Taylor's, tells me we will.  Tells me we'll be strong and that we'll get through this.  That Cade will grow big and that we'll make many happy memories with love and laughter.  That's the voice I embrace, the voice of my sweet angel.  So, as we head into a New Year and new beginnings, I wish that for all of you...Embrace the Voice, the sweet voice and cherish every moment you have.  Happy New Year.