Today's Chapter

It's been so long that I could probably right a book with all the thoughts in my head over the past few months.  Since the last time I wrote we found out we are pregnant again.  The initial news was much different this time than with Taylor.  A milisecond of joy and then thousands of seconds of guilt.  Guilt that we were happy even for that millisecond.  And guilt wishing that it would be Taylor again.  The first few months were torture, worrying about every little thing.  Not knowing this person that I've become.  I've never worried like this before. 

A few months later some of the worry went away when we did a detailed ultrasound and found out that we were having a boy.  The emotion that washed over me at that very second was something I can't even begin to explain.  Again happiness, but the glaring realization that it's not Taylor.  It's never going to be Taylor.  That night I sat on the couch looking at her bright blue eyes I stare at every night and cried.  Not sadness sobbing, but a release that came from saying good bye in a little way I hadn't said yet. 

Since that day, I've had more excitement then fear for this new little guy, Cade Jackson.  I certainly don't miss Taylor any less and when I stop to really think about who she'd be today it's still like a sucker punch to the gut.  That she would be two in less than a month, that she'd be walking around my office with such wonder of the snack bag in her hand, tugging at Mark's leg saying "Dada, No" with a whip only she could get from her mother, or eating a cupcake with frosting all over her face and mine.  Lately, I find myself looking at her picture and saying in my head "my baby is dead".  These awful, painful words, words I couldn't swallow months ago, but words that spin through my head daily at the realization that this isn't her doing flips in my tummy.  I know Cade will be just as loved (maybe slightly more smothered), but I can't help the torture inside my head and my heart.  The fear of buying clothes for him bigger than 6 months, the fear of everything, crazy things.  Things I would have talked any and all of my friends out of if they said them to me, but things that go through my head every single day.  Having been that person that talked people off a ledge so much I realize now how true it is that only someone that's been here can understand.  I mean, how many husbands and wives have to promise not to yell across the house for fear of bringing back the fear and torture of that awful day?  How many parents have to walk down the hall multiple times a day past the room their baby took her last breaths in?  Breaths she took all alone.  Breaths she took without me there to hold her.  She must have been so scared.  While for the most part, I've forgiven myself for these things, how will I ever leaves Cade's side?  How will I ever let him sleep without being able to feel his breath or his heartbeat?  I want to be the parent I was before, the person I was before.  But I know that's not a possibility.  I just hope for the possibility of being somewhat "normal"....I guess only time will tell....