I know it's been a long time since I've written. We had a rough couple weeks with my birthday and mother's day. Days that should be celebrated with our little girl. Why do I get to have birthdays, I want her to have birthdays. I want her to run down the hall and say "mommy, daddy and I made you breakfast". But I'll never get those things from my sweet Taylor.
We've had so many distractions and so little down time right now, but there's still not a day or even an hour that goes by that I don't think about my sweet munchkin. A little boy was in the store on Sunday. He had white blonde hair with little curls and bright blue eyes. He was crawling up chairs, running around and laughing as Blue licked him in the face. I just knew he was Taylor's age, so I wasn't surprised when I asked his mom how old he was that she said 18 months. At that moment I realized, Taylor would have been 18 months on Sunday. She'd be crawling up chairs, running around and laughing when Blue licked her in the face. I just don't know when I'll ever understand why she doesn't get to do these things.
I'm just missing her so much right now that my heart hurts. Mark and I are adjusting to this new life and new hours with the store and I sit here each night for a few hours before he gets home...with such quiet in the house. I hate the quiet...I hate not having her here to talk to, to pick up after and to hug. My sweet baby girl, I hate that you aren't here where you should be. You should be here with your mommy and your daddy!
It's as if I've gone to this place where this isn't my life. I work so hard to stay busy and distracted that the few moments I do have I avoid looking in her eyes at the pictures all around the house. I don't go in her room anymore. I can't watch the videos that I used to spend hours watching over and over again. The sadness surrounds me still so much that I can't break it. It's all just such a strong reminder that she's gone. That we'll never have new pictures, a big girl bed or new videos of her riding a bike, her first day of school or her prom date. I just want to get old with my baby girl. Oh Taylor Paige...