Saturday, June 2, 2012
Today we celebrated the life of sweet Ava Ann Holder an amazing little girl who spent most of her sweet life battling cancer. The pastor spoke of touchstones and holding on to memories that will always take us back and help us to honor the ones we have lost. I sat and of course thought of my touchstone not only for Ava but for our sweet munchkin, Taylor. For Ava I was only fortunate to meet her once at PCH. She was on her way in pushing her little stroller full of stuffed animals. This was almost a year ago which means she would have been fighting the fight for almost three years. And yet, she didn't look scared or sad about coming into the hospital. She looked proud of her little animal friends. A symbol of strength. That is what Ava will always stand for to me. I tried so hard to put my sad memories of the days after Taylor passed but it was impossible to block them out. My memories fade a little every day and it terrifies me. I can't ever lose those or I will lose a part of myself. Cade looks so much like her that the memories blend. His smile, his eyes, they could be twins. I have thought a lot the past week about what I will I say to Cade when he is old enough to ask me why babies die. I don't think I will ever be able to understand a world where babies healthy or sick are ripped from their Parents arms. There is no better place for them. We would die for them to have another day, another laugh or another hug. I don't think I will ever understand.